Par for the course

You gotta like P. J. O'Rourke

2009-04-12T23:28:00.002-04:00

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?

Life with Dave and Erma

2009-04-01T17:09:00.002-04:00

how we feel about that
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Dave Barry

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck

DO's and Don't's
Never accept a drink from a urologist. Erma Bombeck

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry

Fashion Statements
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. Erma Bombeck

Personal accomplishments
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Erma Bombeck

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. Dave Barry

Life with Dave and Erma

2009-03-27T15:21:00.005-04:00

how we feel about that

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Dave Barry

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck

DO's and Don't's

Never accept a drink from a urologist. Erma Bombeck

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry

Fashion Statements

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. Erma Bombeck

Personal accomplishments

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Erma Bombeck

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. Dave Barry

Who'd a thunk it?

2009-03-24T23:47:00.007-04:00

He was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, January 12, 1951. His family is loaded with lawyers including his grandfather, father and his brother David. His uncle Stephen is a Reagan appointed federal judge in the United States District Court for the Eastern District
of Missouri and his cousin Stephen is currently a judge in the same court, appointed by George W. Bush. His grandfather was a Missouri prosecutor, judge, special commissioner and served on Missouri's state House of Representatives from 1930 to 1932. His grandfather garners respect as one of the “patriarchs” of the Cape Girardeau community, and longtime president of the Missouri Historical Society. He died at age 104, and was still a practicing attorney at the time of his death. The Federal Courthouse in Cape Girardeau bares his grandfather’s name.
He began his career as a teenager in 1967 in his hometown of Cape Girardeau. He graduated from Cape Central High School, in 1969. His father and mother wanted him to attend college, so he enrolled at Southeast Missouri State University. He dropped out after two semesters and one summer; according to his mother, "he flunked everything", even a modern ballroom dancing class. As she told a reporter in 1992, "He just didn't seem interested in anything except radio."
His birth date was ranked as 175 in the Vietnam War draft lottery. No one was drafted above 125. He was classified as "1-Y" (later reclassified "4-F") due to either a football knee injury or a diagnosis of Pilonidal disease.
After dropping out of college, He moved to McKeesport, Pennsylvania. There he became a Top 40-music radio disc jockey on station WIXZ, a station that covered the Pittsburgh area. In October 1972, he broadcast over Pittsburgh station KQV under the name "Jeff Christie".
For the rest of the decade He moved around to several radio stations before settling in Kansas City, Missouri. In 1979, after several years in music radio, he took a break from radio and accepted a position as director of promotions with the Kansas City Royals baseball team. Retired Kansas City Royals star George Brett is one of his best friends.
In 1984, He returned to radio at station KFBK in Sacramento, California. There he replaced Morton Downey, Jr. The repeal of the Fairness Doctrine — which had required that stations provide free air time for responses to any controversial opinions that were broadcast — by the FCC in 1987 meant stations could broadcast editorial commentary without having to present opposing views.
On August 1, 1988, after achieving success in Sacramento and drawing the attention of a former president of ABC Radio, Edward F. McLaughlin, He moved to New York City and began his national radio show. His show debuted just weeks after the Democratic National Convention, and just weeks before the Republican National Convention. His radio home in New York City was the talk-format station WABC, 770 AM, and continues to this day as his flagship station.
He suffered some personal difficulties in the 2000s. In late 2001, he acknowledged that he had gone almost completely deaf, although he continued doing his show. He was able to regain much of his hearing with the help of cochlear implants. He also suffered from substance abuse problems.
I did the former essay on Ms. Winfrey and this one as a tribute to the American dream. Ms. Winfrey overcame poverty, sexual abuse, and racism, to become one of the most influential women of our time.
Rush Hudson Limbaugh III (El Rushbo) is considered one of the most listened to radio talk show hosts, a champion of the conservative movement and a man, some consider, the voice of the Republican Party. His accomplishments come without formal education, military experience, and without regard to physical impairments. You may not like one or either of these individuals but they represent the American spirit. Both are proof you can be anything you dare to dream if you refuse to settle for less.

The little girl who could

2009-03-23T21:28:00.000-04:00

The date was January 29, 1954. The black baby girl was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi. Her parents were unmarried. They were teenagers and both attribute the birth to a one-time encounter. The baby was left with her grandmother for the first six years of life. Grandmother was a tough disciplinarian and would use a switch on her if the chores weren‘t done or if she misbehaved in any way. They were so poor the child often wore dresses made from potato sacks. Her grandmother taught her to read before the age of three and she could recite bible versus so well the church people nicknamed her “preacher”. Her mother had moved to Milwaukee and found a job as a maid. At age six, the child went to live with her mother but her mother wasn’t as attentive as her grandmother was. At age 9, she was raped and by 14, she had a son who died in infancy. Her father had become a barber in Tennessee and she was sent to live with him after her baby son died. She landed a job in radio while in high school and by age 19 she was co-anchor of the local evening news. Her father was strict and made her education a priority. She won an oratory contest while attending East Nashville High School. With that win, she also received a full scholarship to Tennessee State University where she studied communications. I’m sure you have guessed her name by now but you may not know the name you know her by is not her real name. She was named after a biblical character in the book of Ruth. Her real name is Orpah Gail Winfrey. We know her as Oprah. The Oprah Winfrey show has earned her multiple Emmy awards and is the highest-rated talk show in the history of television. She is also an influential book critic, an Academy award nominated actress, and a magazine publisher. She has been ranked the richest African American of the 20th century, the most philanthropic African American of all time, and was once the world's only black billionaire. She is also, according to some assessments, the most influential woman in the world. During a lawsuit against Winfrey, she hired Dr. Phil McGraw's company Courtroom Sciences, Inc. to help her analyze and read the jury. Dr. Phil made such an impression on Winfrey that she invited him to appear on her show. He accepted the invitation and was a resounding success. McGraw appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show for several years before launching his own show, Dr Phil, in 2002, which was created by Winfrey's production company, HARPO productions, in partnership with CBS Paramount, which produced the show. Some even say our current President would not have won without her support. Not to shabby for a dirt-poor black woman from Mississippi who seemed to have the deck stacked against her huh?

Will Rogers on educating men

2009-03-21T08:17:00.001-04:00

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

Who's your daddy???

2009-03-19T14:37:00.002-04:00

Some one on the radio today said they think OCTO mom Nadya Suleman is mentally ill. YA THINK???? Here is a woman with no visible means of support who already has six children. She decides that’s not enough so she goes to her doctor and once again seeks in vitro fertilization. After this litter of eight, she has a grand total of 14 kids she can’t support. She argues she is not a celebrity and wants nothing from anyone. I'm not buying a word of that and at the end of the day, she’ll have to take anything she can get. The paparazzi are on her like a cheap suit and a large portion of the American public are buying into this crap. Of course, there will be book deals and maybe even a movie based on her idiocy. As long as the public responds to this debacle, the media and any company that can get a few minutes of advertising will respond. I am not against large families when the support is there but this woman is clearly incapable of properly raising these children. Even if the publicity makes her enough money to keep the boat economically afloat, what happens when these kids need the attention and guidance that is critical to the proper up bringing of all children? Her attention to the six she already had is at best suspect. She has made several 911 calls and in one instance, she was threatening to commit suicide because she had lost her son. I personally think she is, without a doubt, mentally ill and even worse a danger to all 14 children’s future. That’s what I think but this is what will happen. Money will come in at first, and the children will have others to see to their care. For a short time, companies will shower them with the goods they need to survive. Then the story will fade and something even more stupid will pick the interest of the media and the public. When that happens OCTO mom will be without all the public support and have no more parenting skills than she does today. Sadly, the children will have to pay for the lack of responsibility exhibited by this woman and her doctor. Those opposed to her escapade cite the burden she is placing on the taxpayer. I say the taxpayer will pay a small price when compared to the price these children have to pay.

Sanford and Son go to the moon

2009-03-13T12:08:00.000-04:00

I suppose it’s time I quit being so negative about the economy and find something else to be negative about. Not to worry, all it takes is reading the morning newspaper and I find an article that motivates me. It seems NASA had to move the most recent astronauts into an escape module for their protection. These people are in space folks. You know that infinite, uncluttered area above earth’s atmosphere. Well, it used to be relatively uncluttered until we started using it for a dumping ground. This all started some 22 years ago in 1957 as the Russians launched “Sputnik I”. Later that same year they put Sputnik II and a dog they named Laika into orbit. In 1961 Yuri Gagarin became the first human to pilot a spacecraft aboard “Vostok I”.
Not to be out done, the USA sent Alan Shepard into space later that same year. By 1962, John Glenn orbited the earth three times aboard Friendship 7. Since that time, we have sent probes, spacecraft, men, women and lord knows what else into space. We have watched as men walk on and ride lunar landing crafts over the desolate surface of the moon. The Russians put seven space stations into orbit and in 1973; the USA launched space station “Skylab”. The satellite design allows astronauts to live and work in orbit for prolonged periods. The space station not only serves as a laboratory and living space for astronauts, but also as a support base for other spacecraft that have the ability to dock with the station. In 1986, the Soviet Union launched the Space Station Mir. During its 15-year lifetime, it was the largest space station to orbit the Earth.
We have brought back an untold number of rocks and soil for examination. While doing all this we also left our “stuff” on the lunar surface. We also eject or simply lose parts into space. The article in today’s paper is a direct result of these “floating” parts. NASA officials think it is a small weight with a 39-inch string attached. It is “floating” around at approximately 20,000 MPH. Our NASA folks call it “space junk.” If any of this junk gets within a 2.8-mile radius of our astronauts, they have to take cover. I’m not sure if NASA or anyone else has a clue what would happen if one of these 20,000 mph projectiles hit something.
I have no idea if other forms of life exist. I neither support the claim nor poke fun at those who believe we are not the only “things” in the universe. I do know this. If other forms of life are out there, they are not happy with Sanford and Sons using the universe as a junk yard.

And they want how much bailout money?

2009-03-06T22:43:00.002-05:00

Bank of America replaced some of their old ATM machines some months back. Only a select few allow you to make a deposit. The old ones require you to endorse the check, put the account number on the back and put the deposit into an envelope. You then insert the envelope into a slot on the ATM machine. The envelope, with your deposit, is then sucked into the machine much like a vending machine sucks in a dollar bill. The new ATM machines require you to endorse the check and put it directly into the slot. Again, it sucks the check in and attempts to scan it and give you a picture on the ATM screen for your approval. Unfortunately, more often than not, the machine explains the check is not acceptable and spits it back at you just like that vending machine spits out a wrinkled dollar bill. You then must take the check to a banking facility, fill out a deposit slip, stand in line and take up a tellers time doing something the new and expensive machine can‘t seem to be programmed to handle. You can’t even use the old envelope as a back up because someone making six figures convinced the executives it wouldn’t be necessary. They also explained this new and improved machine would save money on envelopes and processing time. HOW’S THAT WORKING OUT SO FAR? Today I took another check for deposit and once again, it was spit right back at me with the old familiar explanation. I have complained about this system in the past and the explanation is the new machines are "SENSITIVE". As I looked at the check, I saw it was a Bank of America check from the South Carolina Department of Revenue. It gives me some insight as to why investors are calling for Ken Lewis to resign. If he can’t hire a subordinate who can come up with a machine that will recognize his own banks check he should resign, fire the subordinate, and /or trash the “new and improved machine” in favor of the old ones that seemed to work just fine. I guess this is akin to the situation that begot the slogan, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

A sad state of affairs ( pun intended)

2009-03-04T20:35:00.004-05:00

The night of July 18, 1969 was a typical balmy summer night. They were honoring the young woman at a party. It was her “15 minutes of fame”. Some of the elite of the area surrounded her. The alcohol flowed and the party was something to behold. She was to celebrate her 29th birthday in 8 days. She had no way of knowing she would die that night and never make it to age 29. While sad to lose someone so young and talented it is even worse to think of the horrible death she suffered.
The car went off the bridge and plunged into the water. We can only hope she was unconscious as she went deeper into the darkness of the pond.
The owner of the vehicle rose to the top of the water and looked around for his passenger. He dove into the water after not seeing her but it was too dark to see anything. He decided she, too, must have rose to the top and was hiding. Surely, she was just playing a joke on him. According to him, he climbed out of the water and walked back to the party. His memory blurs as he tries to recall what happened for the next nine hours but he remembers calling the young woman's parents to make sure she was home safe. We all know now that she didn’t go home. We know she wasn’t playing a joke and we know she will never go home again. We don’t know what his intentions were when they left the party. We only know he is a married, affluent, influential man who was with a woman young enough to be his daughter after partying and drinking with her. One can only imagine what was in store for her if she had lived to find out. We also know, no matter what he intended, he put himself in a compromising situation and a young woman died because of his drinking and reckless behavior. The young woman is Mary Jo Kopeckne. The owner of the vehicle and her coffin is Senator Ted Kennedy. “Sleeping in the bushes Teddy” I like to call him. He is an immoral, alcoholic, womanizer. The fact he is suffering from brain cancer is not a basis for forgiveness it is his Kopeckne comeuppance. Sorry if I seem cold but I’m certain Mary Jo’s body was cold lying at the bottom of Poucha pond below Dyke Bridge on Chappaquiddick Island. A bridge Kennedy later bought and put in his back yard as a memento. I remember Mary Jo every time I see Senator Kennedy sitting on the Senate “ETHICS” committee and today my memory was once again jogged as England bestowed knighthood upon him.
I’m not a huge fan of Pete Rose but you have to wonder where our priorities are when we refuse to allow a ball player entrance into the baseball hall of fame because he made a wager ON HIS OWN team while we praise a political murderer because the Queen of England makes him an honorary knight.
Who knows Mary Jo? Maybe your knight in shining armor will be by your side before you know it.

So what's the good news?

2009-03-04T14:26:00.003-05:00

I should preface this opinion with a statement that insures you I am seriously concerned about the economy of our country and of the world. That said, I would suggest that an even larger concern is socialized medicine. Mr. Obama’s crew insures us we will receive the very best care and the very best medicines available. I think the key word here is available. I will return to that word later. First, I would ask how they plan to do all that for every American during a recession when they couldn’t do it for our elderly MEDICARE patients while our economy was at its highest point in history. The politicians will tell you it’s all the fault of doctors and hospitals ripping off MEDICARE. I can only guess they won’t be able to monitor a national system if they were not able to monitor MEDICARE. Every year insurance companies and our government are forcing doctors and hospitals to accept less for services while expenses for these services continue to rise. Some doctors have closed their doors because it is more profitable for them to join a group than deal with the bureaucracy. Others simply won’t accept MEDICARE patients. This is where the word “available” is going to come into play. Anyone smart enough to make it through medical school will look for another line of work when the government starts telling them what care they can give and what medicines they may prescribe based on cost and the patients age. Canadians are already buying health insurance and coming to the U.S. because their socialized system is a farce. Either they can’t get the care they need or they will be dead by the time their name gets to the top of the waiting list. England is having much the same problems. Hence, Mr. Brown’s recent visit to the White House. If good doctors choose another livelihood because the reward of the medical profession isn’t worth the time and expense, we will get less capable caregivers. Those who can’t make it now or who have reputations as quacks will be all that’s left. The pharmaceutical companies will stop research on drugs they know won’t pass the governments litmus test. Given all this, I suppose a sorry doctor and inferior medication will be the best available and Mr. Obama and his crew of tax evaders will be able to keep their promise. “Where’s the good news?” you ask. The good news is most of us won’t live long under this system so the worry will be minimal and a positive by product will be less elderly folks draining the Social Security System.

Dumb Dumb Rihanna and Punky Brown

2009-02-28T13:34:00.003-05:00

What is it about love? I guess it’s just me but if you call me the most profane, disrespectful word you can think of and then proceed to beat on me until I can hardly open my eyes, I’m not going to love you any more. You can take that to the bank and I’m old, ugly, and don‘t have much money! If I were young, pretty and independently wealthy like Rihanna, I will probably hire someone to give that ass whipping back to you with some interest. Chris Brown would look like he went 15 rounds with the heavy weight champion of the world. Instead, she is laid up with his sorry butt in one of DIDDY combs houses acting like nothing happened. The fact he says he’s sorry has no bearing on this situation. All abusers are sorry. It’s part of the abuse cycle. He’s 19 years old and thinks he knows everything. Prosecution by the state should be automatic. This is bigger than that Punk and some “skirt” from Barbados. He’ll abuse again and the next time it might not be her so she shouldn’t have a say in the matter. She ought to quit singing and start boxing for a living. It’ll be just like dating that punk ass loser only she won’t have to put out afterwards. If a dog acted as this animal has, they would humanly euthanize the dog. Except that it is too easy on him, I don’t have a problem with the same punishment for pantie waste Brown. It’s times like these that make me think public torture wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Better yet, send her back to Barbados and make her take him with her. Ban both from ever stepping foot back into the United States. Any money they make in the U.S. will go to abuse shelters throughout the country. It would be interesting to see how Barbados handles Punky Brown when he’s broke and beats up another woman.

Busing sucks in more ways than one

2009-02-27T20:17:00.001-05:00

Occasionally something will happen that makes it easier for me to understand another. As I watched television the other evening, I heard a report that talked about how our children were more obese now than ever before. The report went on to talk about fast food contributions, lack of fitness programs in our public schools, alcohol consumption on the rise and the basic lack of regard our children have toward this problem. That lack of regard starts to decrease and they begin to take their out of shape bodies and rotund figures seriously, as they approach and enter their teen years. Unfortunately, for many it is too late to correct the bad habits already ingrained. By the time they start to worry and feel rejected by their peers some are full-fledged alcoholics. Others are so out of shape they find it almost impossible to make themselves buckle down and begin a serious work out regimen. Some have learned eating habits that are as bad as a drug addiction and just as hard to shake. I realize this problem must be addressed first at home. Only with parental aide can society begin to help.
Now to the event that gave me a little insight into how society contributes to rather than helps solve this ever-growing problem. As I drove to work I got behind a couple of school buses. They would stop, pick up a couple of school children, then go less than a 5th of a mile before stopping and picking up a few more. This went on for a couple of miles until the buses finally turned into a housing area where, I’m sure; they basically picked the kids up at their door. I’m not going to get into the old “I walked five miles up hill both ways to school” adage. However, if we have a problem with these kids weight and their exercise regime it would only make sense we could at least expect them to walk a portion of a mile and catch the bus at a designated stop. This would give them a small amount of exercise in the morning and afternoons and would save money on fuel for the buses as well. Sometimes we do our children a disservice by trying to give them more than they need.

The plan

2009-02-27T10:39:00.001-05:00

I have heard some fairly good analogies concerning the new stimulus/ recovery/ spending/ what ever you want to call it bill. Yesterday some one repeated one I had already heard but added a couple of thoughts. It goes something like this:
You find you have a leak in the shallow end of your swimming pool. You take a bucket, fill it with water from the deep end and dump it in the shallow end. Soon you realize you are running out of water so you go to the Chinese and ask them to borrow some of their water. After a while the Chinese find they too have a leak in their pool and want their water back and tell you to go find your water some place else. A politician tells you he can solve your problems. He wants to take a shovel, dig a hole in the ground and start filling it with the water left in the pool. He tells you a pond will result and be self-containing. Soon you realize the politician doesn’t even know how to use the shovel and since you are too old, he hands the shovel to your children. The moral of this story is; if you wait on Washington and the government to fix the economic problems we face, you had better teach your children to use a shovel.

To inhale or not to inhale

2009-02-22T22:06:00.003-05:00

Okay, I’ll admit I don’t understand how we, as a society, determine what is acceptable and what isn’t. For instance, marijuana is illegal. I could accept that except for a few minor details. No one has proven that it's addictive nor have they shown that, in and of itself, it leads to using anything that's addictive. We have speculation but no proof. On the other hand, doctors claim it has medicinal uses. It is, however, illegal and the doctor can’t even prescribe it for these medicinal purposes in many states. Cigarette smoking, on the other hand, is addictive, or at the very least habit forming, and has medicinal repercussions so horrendous the surgeon general placed warnings on them. The congress of the United States tells us the high cost of health insurance is partially a result of the many problems caused by cigarettes. Instead of making tobacco products illegal like the apparently harmless marijuana, they just keep adding taxes to them. I smoked for over 35 years and I can attest it is at best, habit forming. I won’t get into second hand smoke problems. However, I will say it causes those unfortunate enough to be around a smoker to smell just as badly as the smoker does. I had no idea when I smoked I smelled so terrible nor did I realize what I was putting my non-smoking friends and family through. To them, I apologize. This is not a political statement in favor of legalizing marijuana or making cigarettes illegal. This is simply my thoughts on a couple of things that appear to have conflicting repercussions both personally and legally. I also know people are waging this war at higher levels than my computer. I guess I'm just using common sense again but this one seems to be a no “BRAINER” folks!

Crooks beget crooks

2009-02-18T20:34:00.003-05:00

If it weren’t so pitiful, I suppose it could be funny. Our politicians never cease to amaze me with their unethical conduct. Worse than that, they continue to think they are some how smarter than all the others who have been exposed for the lying cheats they really are. This time it comes from a source that shouldn’t be surprising to any of us. However, I’m sure some of the more naive folks out there will find some shock value. Roland Burris had two strikes against him before he started and neither one is his ethnic background. First, he is from Illinois, the State most consider the poster child of illegal politics. More dead people vote in Chicago than do live folks. Next, a Governor appointed him to his current Senate seat that was undergoing impeachment proceedings for seeking monetary compensation for said appointment. Mr. Burris swore under oath he was never asked nor did he offer money for the position. Now it appears the Governor’s brother asked for political donations. It also appears Mr. Burris agreed to make these donations. Ex-Governor Blogjevich is a crook and the Senate leadership knew anyone he appointed would be just as crooked. They tried to stop the appointment but the constitution didn’t allow it. Now the taxpayers will have to pay for the process of ridding the Congress of this scumbag. If both or either Blogjevich or Burris manage to stay out of prison, it will be a travesty of justice. We should tell all our representatives the American people will no longer stand for their lack of integrity. We, also refuse to pay the bill for their misconduct. I am beginning to think most American voters have no business choosing our leaders. The more I ask people where our new President stands on specific issues the more I find they have no clue. He looked good, sounded intelligent, and they knew the old administration didn’t work so they put him in office. Even some who voted against him did so for all the wrong reasons. I have a solution to this problem but I doubt it will ever go any further than this BLOG. I would wait until the last week of the election and have a bipartisan committee come up with 10 relevant questions pertaining to the most important issues facing our nation. I would expect every registered voter to know what the candidate’s position on each issue is. In order to cast a ballot the voter would have to answer no less than six of the 10 questions correctly concerning candidates stated positions. If, after election, the candidates didn’t follow their stated convictions, impeachment would be automatic. OMG, what am I thinking? If this were to happen, very few would run and only the ethical would remain. Washington DC would become a ghost town and thousands of lobbyists would be out of work thereby contributing to an already failing economy.

Chris Brown, AKA Bubba's bitch

2009-02-15T21:46:00.002-05:00

It’s times like this that make me wish we were back in the days when Rome ruled and the local sport was the lions against the Christians. The only thing I would do differently is substitute the Christians with punk ass GANGSTA impersonators. Chris Brown tops my list to throw to the lions right now. I guess I can’t put Mike Tyson as number two on the list since it’s been so long since he was caught beating up a woman. Of course, big Mike got his butt kicked pretty well in the ring afterwards so I guess it all evens out. Since we obviously can’t go back in time and since it would be considered uncivilized to toss Mr. Brown to the lions in this day and age I can only hope he is charged with assault on a woman with intent to kill. Then I hope the judge puts him in prison and his cell mate is a 6’ 7”, 265 LB guy named Bubba who had to watch his mother being pummeled by his father until it got the best of him and he beat his father to death with his bare hands. Oh, I know Chris said he's seeking counseling from his pastor, mother and loved ones. Come on Chris, you've already said your problem with relationships in general and women in particular are a direct result of your past abuse. I find it hard to believe the people you have known all your life and who have been there through all of this will be able to help you much. Here’s a thought, how about hiring a real counselor? You know, one of those people who do it for a living. Take the money you were spending to rent that Lamborghini you beat your girl friend up in front of and spend it on professional help. Then take that ass whipping your cellmate is bound to give you and put that in your memory bank. I would offer Bubba parole on the condition he be your body guard and slap the taste out of your mouth every time you so much as raised your hand above your waste when a woman is around. After a few of those ear-ringing blows even an ignorant, no singing, panty waste like you will get the idea. It'll be like Pavlov’s dogs. I think they call it learning by rote these days. Make me proud Bubba!

I'm not stimulated by the stimulus

2009-02-14T09:38:00.003-05:00

I decided, after listening to PRESIDENT OBAMA, reading the news paper, watching the evening news, listening to RUSH LIMBAUGH, SHAWN HANNITY, and BILL O’RIELLY I would research the, “oh so”, transparent stimulus package. I mean after all, they told me it would be available on the net and I'd be able to read it in it’s entirety at my leisure. GOOGLE is wonderful thing. I finally found the Senate version of the new bill. I clicked on the search criteria and OMG! You can bring this little 430-page wealth of knowledge up by going to the following link: http://www.scribd.com/doc/11584517/Obama-Stimulus-Bill-Senate-Version. ( I think the house version is over 1050 pages).I started reading and immediately knew I would be no more educated afterwards than before “trying” to decipher this crock of lawyer “gooble Dee gook”. We have Senators who may not live long enough to read it, let alone understand it. I had just had a good nights rest and after the first three pages of learning absolutely nothing I was already starting to nod off. However, I did solve the mystery as to why it takes so long to get through law school. If they have to learn to read and understand this crap, they also have to learn to write in the same manner. Basically, they have no clue what they are talking about and instead of saying nothing or outright showing their ignorance, they are taught to write so no one but another lawyer will have a clue either. I was looking for the part that said we are going to have a MEDICARE czar who will decide if you are young enough to have the treatment your doctor prescribed or you are at an age that indicates this treatment isn’t economically beneficial. Sometimes you should just accept that you are getting old and you are going to die eventually anyway. Rush told me it’s in there and if Rush says it’s there then by golly it is! Of course, there was that time when Rush told me anyone who claims to have been hooked on prescription drugs is an addict looking for an excuse for their personal inadequacies. That was before he became hooked on the pills he was taking for back pain. A slight backslide on Rush's part but it just shows no ones perfect. People ask me why I listen to Rush if I don’t like him. I do like him. I don’t always agree with him and I think he’s an arrogant, close-minded, blow hard with no tolerance for anyone who disagrees with his ideas but at least he gives me a side of the story I’m not likely to get from the media who are in bed with our new President. At least you can take the two views, research the material, and decide for yourself who is really telling the truth. That is unless it requires reading and understanding a bill in congress. To do that you have to have a lobotomy and attend law school.

Our new DUI laws

2009-02-12T21:05:00.000-05:00

The powers to be in South Carolina are revamping the law designed to stop repeat DUI offenders. I have to admit to having mixed emotions. This certainly sounds like good news on the surface but, like many other things, the plan contains at least one point that makes no sense to me. I suppose I should tell you up front that I use to have a liking for alcoholic beverages. I can’t count the times I decided I was just as capable to drive, if not more so, after tossing down a “few”. It is only by the grace of God that I didn’t kill myself or someone else in those days. Back then I didn’t worry about the punishment should I get caught because, while under the influence of alcohol, I was convinced I was a first class driver and getting caught only happened to others who couldn’t handle their drink. I believed this, in spite of waking up in my bed wondering how I got home or even worse, waking up in the car outside the house. I guess it goes without saying why I needed to quit and as I look back now I can only be grateful nothing serious happened and amazed I didn’t get caught and lose my license. Our new law is going to crack down on people like the one I use to be and repeat offenders are going to have to have a breathalyzer installed in their vehicle. They will have to blow into the device and any measurement over .02% alcohol will insure the car won‘t start. It will cost the repeat offender $90 per month for this device. That money is going into in a fund to help others who can’t afford one. This is where the new law and I part ways. Is it just me or does anyone else see a problem with this part of the new law. They are basically saying some repeat offenders can afford enough alcoholic beverages to continually get drunk and afford a vehicle in which to get caught driving but they can‘t afford the breathalyzer. I guess all their money goes for booze, car payments and insurance. Here’s a thought. If you can’t afford the machine, don’t drink or don’t drive. I’m not totally heartless so if you insist you can not afford the breathalyzer my plan would be to give you one of those cute little ankle bracelets designed, not to track you, but to release a chemical into your blood stream that, when mixed with over .02% alcohol makes you puke like a sea sick sailor. Immediately following this attack of nausea will be a severe case of diarrhea. The combination of the two will purge your system of alcohol so you will be sober enough to drive even though you may be too weak. I know this sounds severe and if you don’t like my solution to this problem, you definitely won’t like my solution to our prison systems over crowded death rows.

Beware the wolf in sheeps clothing Michael

2009-02-07T11:41:00.003-05:00

Everyone is voicing his or her opinion on Michael Phelps and his little episode with the bong pipe. Some say weed ought to be legal anyway so it’s no big deal. Others say 90% of American adults have tried marijuana at one time in his or her lifetime. Some even say since he’s an adult we shouldn’t be hard on him with respect to his status as a role model for our youth. That indicates these folks think blowing a joint is an age appropriate thing. First, I will go on record as saying Michael Phelps manned up and admitted his wrongdoing. He said it was a youthful indiscretion and promised it wouldn’t happen again. For that, I commend him and wish some of our elected officials would take note. Now let us talk a little about whether breaking the law is an age appropriate discretion, role models, youthful indiscretions, and the fact that many of us have tried it. I choose to talk about the last one first. It makes no difference how many of us have or have not tried Mary J. Most of us were smart enough to elude the law and/or cameras. All of us have tried going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit but, at the end of the day, if the police didn’t catch you, it’s no big deal. Michael Phelps, on the other hand, sucked an illegal drug out of a bong pipe big enough to be seen a block away at a party where cameras were present. The act isn’t as dumb as the surrounding circumstances. Next, take youthful indiscretions. This opinion will upset some of you out there but here goes. Every time I see Mr. Phelps he needs a shave, has his hat on backwards, and his pants look as if they are three sizes to large for him. My apologies to all you folks out there in cyber space that dress like this but I am going to profile you and say youthful indiscretions tend to follow these kinds of dressers. Call It what you will. Call it my upbringing or call it discrimination but I have the evening news and crime blotters to back me up on this one. Everyone except the media and Mr. Phelps seems to have forgotten he was also caught for DUI prior to his earning all those medals. My opinion is, the first time shame on him and the second time shame on him too! Does anyone see a pattern here besides me? As for role models, I have little regard for them anyway. I think we should be our children’s role model and shame on us if we aren’t. I’m not going to lay this on Michael Phelps, Brittany Spears, or any other celebrity with whom I may have issues. We guide our children and we are responsible for their ability to know the difference between right and wrong. This is not your burden to bare Mr. Phelps so disregard what anyone says about that. Last, but certainly not least is age appropriate law abiding. It has no significance that some people think marijuana should be legal. In fact it is against the law. You broke the law and evidence, you do not deny, is present that appears to support that fact. That is the only thing you should have to deal with and it will be between you and the appropriate law enforcement and Olympic committee officials. You should receive no benefit from nor should your punishment be more severe because you happen to be the fastest man on earth while in the water. Lastly, your endorsements are between you and the companies who you represent. If people elect not to buy an item because the company pays you to endorse it, that’s their prerogative. If they decide to buy it because they think you are being railroaded that’s also their prerogative. The companies will follow their sales patterns and take appropriate action. If I could be so brazen as to offer a small bit of advice it would be the following. If you elect to drink alcoholic beverages, hire a driver (you have the money). If you decide to suck on an over sized bong pipe, make sure all the cameras are void of film. By the way Michael, someone at that party is not your friend!!!

Rush 1 Barack 0

2009-02-04T21:19:00.001-05:00

While in the military and considerably younger, I used to enjoy playing softball. Some of the people I played with used to get angry at the fans who heckled them. They would get so angry they would even start talking back to them, which invariably lead to their loss of concentration. We had a name for those type players. We called them “rabbit ears”. Even the fans would recognize our “rabbit eared” team mates and felt empowered by them. They had the ability to make a good player make errors they normally wouldn’t if they were concentrating on the game at hand.
Anyone who has so much as accidentally run across Rush Limbaugh on talk radio knows he is a staunch conservative and has never met a liberal/democrat he didn’t love to heckle. Enter the 44th President of the United States. Barack Obama, In Mr. Limbaugh’s opinion, is the most liberal senator ever to grace the halls of congress. As President he had to know, or at least someone on his staff had to know, Rush was going to jump on him with both feet. Our President did the unthinkable and acknowledged Mr. Limbaugh’s presence. I know it isn’t nice to refer to our new Presidents slightly large ears but it is not my intent to make fun of his looks. I simply state the fact that he is a “rabbit eared” President. One of President Obama’s “no tax paying” confidants needs to let him know that Rush is going to be on him like a cheap suit until he is no longer in the white house. He may even stay on him after he is no longer president. It is what Rush does. It is what Rush lives to do and to acknowledge that he has credence only adds fuel to his fire. To acknowledge his comments or opinion in any way makes Rush even more arrogant than he is normally. Worse, it makes him more effective. Here’s a little piece of advice from and old ball player to a new President. Since I have always paid my taxes I don’t think I qualify as a paid advisor so I give it free of charge. You are President of the United States of America. If not the most powerful voice in the free world, you are certainly one of the most powerful. You need not worry yourself with what a talk show host says. His followers were there before you and will be there after you leave office. Let him have his say and don’t acknowledge any interest in him one-way or the other. Instruct your staff to forget Mr. Limbaugh exists and get on about the business of running the country. If Rush were as smart as he would have us believe he would be in the White House. Either he considers himself incapable or he is afraid to take on the responsibility. I can say one thing for you Mr. President. You may be responsible for Rush breaking his arm trying to pat himself on the back for getting you to bite at the bait he threw out!

I guess I just don't get it!

2009-01-31T13:54:00.001-05:00

The more I try to understand our economic situation the more confused I become. I have no problem understanding thousands of people who have worked hard all their lives are losing their jobs every day. I understand why companies are asking employees to cut their hours or agree to a lesser salary so the company can stay afloat. I also understand why our dollar isn’t worth what it once was. I can‘t, however, fathom a billion in debt let alone trillions. . I understand that people are being more conservative with what little money they have and are concentrating on essentials. “So what’s my problem?” you ask.
It goes back to an economic class. The theory being, cost is a result of supply and demand. Another theory being, demand had little significance if the consumer’s ability to pay was limited. That little piece of information seemed reasonable when the professor explained it. Consumers appear to be conserving fuel in the face of government warnings. The price of crude oil is dropping as predicted by my economics professor’s theory. However, the price at the pump is defying that same principle by going up. I think the consumer got the message but the retailers are in denial. My wife and I went out to eat last evening with some friends. We use to go more often but now select our times. After all, the least we can do is our small part in stimulating the economy. Much to my chagrin, I realized my economic professor’s theory is not what it appeared. I perused the familiar menu and was shocked to find a substantial increase on every item. Did somebody miss the fact that people have less money? Did someone fail to educate the owner that demand is waning on luxuries such as eating out? Have these folks been totally ignoring the news concerning our economy or are they just trying to make as much as they can before the economy crumbles completely? (I think the term is GOUGING in some circles). The Auto dealerships are crying the blues while advertising they are almost giving cars away in order to get them off the lot. If you compare today’s prices to those of two months ago, the only difference is the advertising. It appears you are getting the vehicle cheaper but they now include a down payment or trade in value as part of the advertised BIG savings. You may save a few bucks. I doubt it will be what the LARGE totals seem to indicate. The sad reality is the only place you really get big savings is those businesses who are liquidating due to bankruptcy.
Our new President is intent on spending his way out of this mess. I honestly believe he is a smart man but he must have failed history. If he reads his history book, he’ll see that this strategy has failed every time. I can only hope he understands the solutions for short-term recovery and long-term recoveries are mutually exclusive. The only way the economy can recover in the long run is to stimulate businesses who hire people who will then pay taxes and buy things from other businesses who hire people who will pay taxes and buy things…oh well I’m sure you get the picture. As bitter a taste as it might leave I some of your mouths it may even require tax breaks for business owners in order to give them an incentive to support free enterprise. Oh, and by the way, I know I’m being fussy here but where does a government who is already trillions of dollars in debt find someone willing to invest another trillion or so to support their failed system? Isn’t that what some in the auto industry expected?

Incompetence and restitution

2009-01-25T15:32:00.003-05:00

Some things just piss me off. Chief among these is rewarding incompetence. It is bad enough when incompetence causes me discomfort but unacceptable when it starts screwing with my bank account. I know politicians are incompetent but understand I have no choice but to put up with it as long as they can hide their inability from a majority of voters. The latest on a long list of incompetents, politicians notwithstanding, is the Hilton Resort Hotel in Myrtle Beach, SC. Jeannie just returned from a “Red Hat” convention. They splurged and went to the Hilton Hotel. Not Hotel 6 or some grungy little hole in the wall being ran by people with thick accents. The “red hatters” spent the extra money to go first class. Little did they know Paris, not Conrad, trained the desk clerk. Jeannie’s part of the bill shared by four other party animals came to $53.04. That’s not bad for a couple of nights in a first rate hotel even though she likened the food to bland hospital fare. I subtracted the amount from her checkbook and went online to make sure the charges were as stated on the receipt. I suppose it’s obvious I trust no one. Much to my chagrin, but not necessarily my surprise, I found a slight error in the charges. It appears they have charged her $330.24 instead of $53.04. That’s not much money by the Hilton standards but can be substantial to someone on a fixed income. I know they will make it right but I have to wonder how it happened in the first place. These numbers have no relevance to each other. It’s not as if someone transposed a number or even added a number to the front or rear end. It’s not even as though they charged her for the other four guests because the entire bill was only $275.28. Of course, I can’t investigate it until 8:00 in the morning because the accountant in charge of these trivial matters won’t be back until then. In fact, the accountant wasn’t there when the clerk charged the wrong amount. In fact, the accountant hasn’t been there for the entire stay. In fact, the accountant will probably have to investigate this matter before it can be resolved and Jeannie’s checkbook will remain $277.20 short. In fact, no one will suffer the consequences of their deeds because it won’t be worth the time or money. They will simply refund the money after they investigate and assume the customer will be happy to have their money back. In fact, they will be WRONG! This customer expects more from a company whose charges are based on their name, not their abilities. Of course, they might offer us a free night or two at another Hilton of our choosing. That will go a long way in repairing their tarnished reputation with me. Okay, so shoot me, I’m a little bit of an opportunist.

History in the making

2009-01-21T10:19:00.001-05:00

While at work yesterday in our first, and with any luck, our last snowfall of the year, history was in the making. I had no need to worry I might miss it because I knew I would see it in its entirety most of the evening. I suppose everyone has a reason for considering the inauguration of our first African American president historical. President Obama has a daunting task and I hope he is successful in solving the monumental problems he agreed to take on. As I watched and listened to our new President and studied the crowd as the cameras panned, I find it interesting that we, as a nation, find it so amazing that a black man is actually President. While we should be celebrating his abilities, intelligence, and youthful exuberance, we, instead seemed to be celebrating his accomplishments in spite of his skin color. Now don‘t miss understand my position. I think we have made tremendous headway since Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. Maybe not as much progress as some would like but headway nonetheless. That he is of African decent should simply be coincidental. He is not the first or only Black man who is intelligent enough to be President but he is the first who brought his case to the American people and was able to convince the majority of his credibility. Let there be no mistake. He will make good decisions and bad decisions just as all humans do. He will have successes and failures just as all Presidents have. He will not be as popular with some people four years from now and he will be more popular with others just as all Presidents have become. I hope he helps us work our way out of the financial crisis we find ourselves in and he manages to bring some measure of peace to areas we are not at peace with presently. I guess my greatest hope is he will be truly historical and the next election will find individuals running as Americans without the labels of “African“, “white“, “man” or “woman“. It is historical, even if sad, that we finally seem to have elected a President on what we think they might be able to accomplish without letting race or gender hinder our responsibility as voters.

Back again and brrrr...

2009-01-19T16:40:00.001-05:00

I made it back safe and sound! Here we go again with this “sound” thing. By definition, I suppose it indicates, at the very least, partial sanity. Some who know me may disagree with that assumption. At any rate, we got the trailer loaded, on its way to Goldsboro, and even managed to do some work at my uncle’s house. I went to see my aunt twice while there and she seems in good spirits. I can only hope this is the best thing for her and being with her family will make her happier. As I visited her in the facility she is leaving, I was once again reminded of how blessed I am and even though I hated to lose them, I am so glad my Mom and Grandmother could stay at home until the end and be in complete control of their senses. I was back at work today and will be back at it tomorrow as well. The weather is supposed to be treacherous tomorrow. A wintry mix and a high of 37 is the guess from our weatherman. I know that sounds ridiculous to those of you in the north. In reality, that is about as bad as it gets here. It also leaves a lot to be desired when car washing is on the agenda. Oh well, this too shall pass and we will get back to our winter temperatures in the 50’s. I received an e-mail from my son in law about how different parts of the country handle bad weather and it was right on target. When those of us at the beach are freezing, our counterparts in the north haven’t even thought to break out the heavy jackets. Of course, when it’s 98 and the humidity is 90% we are sunbathing while our northern counterparts are inside with the air conditioning wide open so I guess it equals out.

Getting old ain't fer sissies

2009-01-15T22:03:00.003-05:00

I changed the play list for those of you out there in Cyberville who log on just to hear a few tunes while you do other things. In fact, that is pretty much what I do after I check other blogs I enjoy. I’ll be away for the weekend again so no updates until I return. We have to get all my Aunt’s “stuff” loaded in the trailer so her other nephew can get it to Goldsboro. Some of her family there are going to get it set up and then come get her on Tuesday. I’m not sure if she is looking forward to going into assisted living but I think she knows that’s her best bet and it will get her out of the nursing facility. She will be closer to her family but I don’t see how they could possibly care for her any better than my cousins have. This is one of life’s sad moments and all we can do is be there to help in anyway possible. I went up last weekend and she was 100% better than the last time I saw her. She will never be able to live without assistance but she has her wits about her and can move around in the wheel chair. Who knows? She might be doing wheelies in that bad boy by the time I get to Goldsboro to visit. Having spent a few months in a wheel chair, I have more knowledge of what she is going through than I care to have. Take care while I’m gone and keep it between the ditches. As Hoyt and Delbert would say, “If you see goober, tell him I said duh huh. He’ll know what I mean!”

A "PONZI" is a "PONZI" by any other name

2009-01-13T23:47:00.001-05:00

As I listened to everybody but the Pope bad mouth Bernard Madoff for stealing money through a “PONZI” scheme I began to wonder exactly what a “PONZI” scheme is. I checked with WIKIPEDIA and found the following definition:
A Ponzi scheme is an investment operation that pays returns to investors out of the money paid by subsequent investors rather than from profit. AKA Pyramid scheme/ AKA Matrix scheme.
This guy stole from the poor and rich alike. No one can accuse him of discrimination based on financial status. I have no doubt Madoff is a thief and should be punished accordingly. We all know his attorney’s will tie this thing up with investigations, technicalities, and appeals until Madoff is either to old to care or dead. That, in and of itself, is sad enough but not what really makes me mad. The thing about all this that gets my boxers in a bunch is the definition itself. Any reasonable person understands this scheme will run dry sooner or later depending on how much money is siphoned out while paying the initial investors. It sounds like Madoff was running the largest “PONZI” scheme in history but the more I thought about it the more I realized he’s just a small fish in the pond. We have a scheme several times larger than his. It’s disguised as a government program we call “Social Security“!!!

You might be a dummy if...

2009-01-12T00:17:00.000-05:00

Just about the time you think you’re getting computer savvy the cyber boogey man jumps out and slaps reality back into you. I’m a tad anal about being neat so I decided to clean up my blog so folks wouldn’t have to scroll through everything to find the new posts. I thought I was putting the old ones in the archives. I hadn’t paid much attention until my computer savvy daughter asked me what happened to all my posts. OOPS, I guess I’ll have to start from scratch and change my settings so the old posts go into archive on their own after a specified time. Every time something like this happens I feel as though I know just enough about computers to be dangerous. I guess I could blame the teacher but I’m self-taught with a nudge from the old computer for dummies encyclopedia. As a matter of fact I graduated from windows, to Windows 95, to windows 98, to windows XP. I’m beginning to think the operative word in this series of educational material is “dummies” and have come to the realization that when you attempt to educate yourself with books that, by their own admission, are for dummies you ought not be surprised by the ultimate outcome!

Finger exercises

2009-01-07T21:00:00.000-05:00

I’m sorry about not updating the blog for such a long time. Unfortunately, nothing has really caught my interest. We have been on the go for most of the holidays and the next couple of weeks are going to be busy as well. I suppose I could write about Blognavich or however he spells his name but Rush Limbaugh has been wailing on him for the last few days and I can’t hold a candle to Rush when it comes to bad mouthing corrupt democrats. Funny how he never seems to get the scoop on any crooked republicans. With the economy in the toilet, Humas and Israel killing each other, the war in Iraq still going strong, Iran talking trash, healthcare costs exploding, etc., etc., I really don’t give a hoot what they do to the governor of Illinois or the guy he appointed to take over Obama’s senate seat. They need to read the constitution, let the man in the senate, and quit spending money we don’t have trying to make the opposition look bad. I honestly think Limbaugh ought to thank the democrats for his job security. One thing that seems odd to me is the rhetoric coming from the Obama camp. It seems he has seen the light on a number of issues. Every time I see him, he is explaining why he can’t do it the way he said he would when he was telling us he knew all about the problems facing our country and declaring to be the man to fix them. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go exercise my index finger. I’m thinking of going into politics and I’ll need it to be strong and straight for pointing at the opposition when troubles arise.

SIGH

2009-01-07T17:49:00.001-05:00

My Scrap Book

2008-09-13T12:50:00.001-04:00