You gotta like P. J. O'Rourke

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?

Life with Dave and Erma

how we feel about that
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Dave Barry

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck

DO's and Don't's
Never accept a drink from a urologist. Erma Bombeck

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry

Fashion Statements
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. Erma Bombeck

Personal accomplishments
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Erma Bombeck

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. Dave Barry