Life with Dave and Erma

how we feel about that

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Dave Barry

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck

DO's and Don't's

Never accept a drink from a urologist. Erma Bombeck

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry

Fashion Statements

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. Erma Bombeck

Personal accomplishments

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Erma Bombeck

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. Dave Barry

Who'd a thunk it?

He was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, January 12, 1951. His family is loaded with lawyers including his grandfather, father and his brother David. His uncle Stephen is a Reagan appointed federal judge in the United States District Court for the Eastern District
of Missouri and his cousin Stephen is currently a judge in the same court, appointed by George W. Bush. His grandfather was a Missouri prosecutor, judge, special commissioner and served on Missouri's state House of Representatives from 1930 to 1932. His grandfather garners respect as one of the “patriarchs” of the Cape Girardeau community, and longtime president of the Missouri Historical Society. He died at age 104, and was still a practicing attorney at the time of his death. The Federal Courthouse in Cape Girardeau bares his grandfather’s name.
He began his career as a teenager in 1967 in his hometown of Cape Girardeau. He graduated from Cape Central High School, in 1969. His father and mother wanted him to attend college, so he enrolled at Southeast Missouri State University. He dropped out after two semesters and one summer; according to his mother, "he flunked everything", even a modern ballroom dancing class. As she told a reporter in 1992, "He just didn't seem interested in anything except radio."
His birth date was ranked as 175 in the Vietnam War draft lottery. No one was drafted above 125. He was classified as "1-Y" (later reclassified "4-F") due to either a football knee injury or a diagnosis of Pilonidal disease.
After dropping out of college, He moved to McKeesport, Pennsylvania. There he became a Top 40-music radio disc jockey on station WIXZ, a station that covered the Pittsburgh area. In October 1972, he broadcast over Pittsburgh station KQV under the name "Jeff Christie".
For the rest of the decade He moved around to several radio stations before settling in Kansas City, Missouri. In 1979, after several years in music radio, he took a break from radio and accepted a position as director of promotions with the Kansas City Royals baseball team. Retired Kansas City Royals star George Brett is one of his best friends.
In 1984, He returned to radio at station KFBK in Sacramento, California. There he replaced Morton Downey, Jr. The repeal of the Fairness Doctrine — which had required that stations provide free air time for responses to any controversial opinions that were broadcast — by the FCC in 1987 meant stations could broadcast editorial commentary without having to present opposing views.
On August 1, 1988, after achieving success in Sacramento and drawing the attention of a former president of ABC Radio, Edward F. McLaughlin, He moved to New York City and began his national radio show. His show debuted just weeks after the Democratic National Convention, and just weeks before the Republican National Convention. His radio home in New York City was the talk-format station WABC, 770 AM, and continues to this day as his flagship station.
He suffered some personal difficulties in the 2000s. In late 2001, he acknowledged that he had gone almost completely deaf, although he continued doing his show. He was able to regain much of his hearing with the help of cochlear implants. He also suffered from substance abuse problems.
I did the former essay on Ms. Winfrey and this one as a tribute to the American dream. Ms. Winfrey overcame poverty, sexual abuse, and racism, to become one of the most influential women of our time.
Rush Hudson Limbaugh III (El Rushbo) is considered one of the most listened to radio talk show hosts, a champion of the conservative movement and a man, some consider, the voice of the Republican Party. His accomplishments come without formal education, military experience, and without regard to physical impairments. You may not like one or either of these individuals but they represent the American spirit. Both are proof you can be anything you dare to dream if you refuse to settle for less.

The little girl who could

The date was January 29, 1954. The black baby girl was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi. Her parents were unmarried. They were teenagers and both attribute the birth to a one-time encounter. The baby was left with her grandmother for the first six years of life. Grandmother was a tough disciplinarian and would use a switch on her if the chores weren‘t done or if she misbehaved in any way. They were so poor the child often wore dresses made from potato sacks. Her grandmother taught her to read before the age of three and she could recite bible versus so well the church people nicknamed her “preacher”. Her mother had moved to Milwaukee and found a job as a maid. At age six, the child went to live with her mother but her mother wasn’t as attentive as her grandmother was. At age 9, she was raped and by 14, she had a son who died in infancy. Her father had become a barber in Tennessee and she was sent to live with him after her baby son died. She landed a job in radio while in high school and by age 19 she was co-anchor of the local evening news. Her father was strict and made her education a priority. She won an oratory contest while attending East Nashville High School. With that win, she also received a full scholarship to Tennessee State University where she studied communications. I’m sure you have guessed her name by now but you may not know the name you know her by is not her real name. She was named after a biblical character in the book of Ruth. Her real name is Orpah Gail Winfrey. We know her as Oprah. The Oprah Winfrey show has earned her multiple Emmy awards and is the highest-rated talk show in the history of television. She is also an influential book critic, an Academy award nominated actress, and a magazine publisher. She has been ranked the richest African American of the 20th century, the most philanthropic African American of all time, and was once the world's only black billionaire. She is also, according to some assessments, the most influential woman in the world. During a lawsuit against Winfrey, she hired Dr. Phil McGraw's company Courtroom Sciences, Inc. to help her analyze and read the jury. Dr. Phil made such an impression on Winfrey that she invited him to appear on her show. He accepted the invitation and was a resounding success. McGraw appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show for several years before launching his own show, Dr Phil, in 2002, which was created by Winfrey's production company, HARPO productions, in partnership with CBS Paramount, which produced the show. Some even say our current President would not have won without her support. Not to shabby for a dirt-poor black woman from Mississippi who seemed to have the deck stacked against her huh?

Will Rogers on educating men

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

Who's your daddy???

Some one on the radio today said they think OCTO mom Nadya Suleman is mentally ill. YA THINK???? Here is a woman with no visible means of support who already has six children. She decides that’s not enough so she goes to her doctor and once again seeks in vitro fertilization. After this litter of eight, she has a grand total of 14 kids she can’t support. She argues she is not a celebrity and wants nothing from anyone. I'm not buying a word of that and at the end of the day, she’ll have to take anything she can get. The paparazzi are on her like a cheap suit and a large portion of the American public are buying into this crap. Of course, there will be book deals and maybe even a movie based on her idiocy. As long as the public responds to this debacle, the media and any company that can get a few minutes of advertising will respond. I am not against large families when the support is there but this woman is clearly incapable of properly raising these children. Even if the publicity makes her enough money to keep the boat economically afloat, what happens when these kids need the attention and guidance that is critical to the proper up bringing of all children? Her attention to the six she already had is at best suspect. She has made several 911 calls and in one instance, she was threatening to commit suicide because she had lost her son. I personally think she is, without a doubt, mentally ill and even worse a danger to all 14 children’s future. That’s what I think but this is what will happen. Money will come in at first, and the children will have others to see to their care. For a short time, companies will shower them with the goods they need to survive. Then the story will fade and something even more stupid will pick the interest of the media and the public. When that happens OCTO mom will be without all the public support and have no more parenting skills than she does today. Sadly, the children will have to pay for the lack of responsibility exhibited by this woman and her doctor. Those opposed to her escapade cite the burden she is placing on the taxpayer. I say the taxpayer will pay a small price when compared to the price these children have to pay.

Sanford and Son go to the moon

I suppose it’s time I quit being so negative about the economy and find something else to be negative about. Not to worry, all it takes is reading the morning newspaper and I find an article that motivates me. It seems NASA had to move the most recent astronauts into an escape module for their protection. These people are in space folks. You know that infinite, uncluttered area above earth’s atmosphere. Well, it used to be relatively uncluttered until we started using it for a dumping ground. This all started some 22 years ago in 1957 as the Russians launched “Sputnik I”. Later that same year they put Sputnik II and a dog they named Laika into orbit. In 1961 Yuri Gagarin became the first human to pilot a spacecraft aboard “Vostok I”.
Not to be out done, the USA sent Alan Shepard into space later that same year. By 1962, John Glenn orbited the earth three times aboard Friendship 7. Since that time, we have sent probes, spacecraft, men, women and lord knows what else into space. We have watched as men walk on and ride lunar landing crafts over the desolate surface of the moon. The Russians put seven space stations into orbit and in 1973; the USA launched space station “Skylab”. The satellite design allows astronauts to live and work in orbit for prolonged periods. The space station not only serves as a laboratory and living space for astronauts, but also as a support base for other spacecraft that have the ability to dock with the station. In 1986, the Soviet Union launched the Space Station Mir. During its 15-year lifetime, it was the largest space station to orbit the Earth.
We have brought back an untold number of rocks and soil for examination. While doing all this we also left our “stuff” on the lunar surface. We also eject or simply lose parts into space. The article in today’s paper is a direct result of these “floating” parts. NASA officials think it is a small weight with a 39-inch string attached. It is “floating” around at approximately 20,000 MPH. Our NASA folks call it “space junk.” If any of this junk gets within a 2.8-mile radius of our astronauts, they have to take cover. I’m not sure if NASA or anyone else has a clue what would happen if one of these 20,000 mph projectiles hit something.
I have no idea if other forms of life exist. I neither support the claim nor poke fun at those who believe we are not the only “things” in the universe. I do know this. If other forms of life are out there, they are not happy with Sanford and Sons using the universe as a junk yard.

And they want how much bailout money?

Bank of America replaced some of their old ATM machines some months back. Only a select few allow you to make a deposit. The old ones require you to endorse the check, put the account number on the back and put the deposit into an envelope. You then insert the envelope into a slot on the ATM machine. The envelope, with your deposit, is then sucked into the machine much like a vending machine sucks in a dollar bill. The new ATM machines require you to endorse the check and put it directly into the slot. Again, it sucks the check in and attempts to scan it and give you a picture on the ATM screen for your approval. Unfortunately, more often than not, the machine explains the check is not acceptable and spits it back at you just like that vending machine spits out a wrinkled dollar bill. You then must take the check to a banking facility, fill out a deposit slip, stand in line and take up a tellers time doing something the new and expensive machine can‘t seem to be programmed to handle. You can’t even use the old envelope as a back up because someone making six figures convinced the executives it wouldn’t be necessary. They also explained this new and improved machine would save money on envelopes and processing time. HOW’S THAT WORKING OUT SO FAR? Today I took another check for deposit and once again, it was spit right back at me with the old familiar explanation. I have complained about this system in the past and the explanation is the new machines are "SENSITIVE". As I looked at the check, I saw it was a Bank of America check from the South Carolina Department of Revenue. It gives me some insight as to why investors are calling for Ken Lewis to resign. If he can’t hire a subordinate who can come up with a machine that will recognize his own banks check he should resign, fire the subordinate, and /or trash the “new and improved machine” in favor of the old ones that seemed to work just fine. I guess this is akin to the situation that begot the slogan, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

A sad state of affairs ( pun intended)

The night of July 18, 1969 was a typical balmy summer night. They were honoring the young woman at a party. It was her “15 minutes of fame”. Some of the elite of the area surrounded her. The alcohol flowed and the party was something to behold. She was to celebrate her 29th birthday in 8 days. She had no way of knowing she would die that night and never make it to age 29. While sad to lose someone so young and talented it is even worse to think of the horrible death she suffered.
The car went off the bridge and plunged into the water. We can only hope she was unconscious as she went deeper into the darkness of the pond.
The owner of the vehicle rose to the top of the water and looked around for his passenger. He dove into the water after not seeing her but it was too dark to see anything. He decided she, too, must have rose to the top and was hiding. Surely, she was just playing a joke on him. According to him, he climbed out of the water and walked back to the party. His memory blurs as he tries to recall what happened for the next nine hours but he remembers calling the young woman's parents to make sure she was home safe. We all know now that she didn’t go home. We know she wasn’t playing a joke and we know she will never go home again. We don’t know what his intentions were when they left the party. We only know he is a married, affluent, influential man who was with a woman young enough to be his daughter after partying and drinking with her. One can only imagine what was in store for her if she had lived to find out. We also know, no matter what he intended, he put himself in a compromising situation and a young woman died because of his drinking and reckless behavior. The young woman is Mary Jo Kopeckne. The owner of the vehicle and her coffin is Senator Ted Kennedy. “Sleeping in the bushes Teddy” I like to call him. He is an immoral, alcoholic, womanizer. The fact he is suffering from brain cancer is not a basis for forgiveness it is his Kopeckne comeuppance. Sorry if I seem cold but I’m certain Mary Jo’s body was cold lying at the bottom of Poucha pond below Dyke Bridge on Chappaquiddick Island. A bridge Kennedy later bought and put in his back yard as a memento. I remember Mary Jo every time I see Senator Kennedy sitting on the Senate “ETHICS” committee and today my memory was once again jogged as England bestowed knighthood upon him.
I’m not a huge fan of Pete Rose but you have to wonder where our priorities are when we refuse to allow a ball player entrance into the baseball hall of fame because he made a wager ON HIS OWN team while we praise a political murderer because the Queen of England makes him an honorary knight.
Who knows Mary Jo? Maybe your knight in shining armor will be by your side before you know it.

So what's the good news?

I should preface this opinion with a statement that insures you I am seriously concerned about the economy of our country and of the world. That said, I would suggest that an even larger concern is socialized medicine. Mr. Obama’s crew insures us we will receive the very best care and the very best medicines available. I think the key word here is available. I will return to that word later. First, I would ask how they plan to do all that for every American during a recession when they couldn’t do it for our elderly MEDICARE patients while our economy was at its highest point in history. The politicians will tell you it’s all the fault of doctors and hospitals ripping off MEDICARE. I can only guess they won’t be able to monitor a national system if they were not able to monitor MEDICARE. Every year insurance companies and our government are forcing doctors and hospitals to accept less for services while expenses for these services continue to rise. Some doctors have closed their doors because it is more profitable for them to join a group than deal with the bureaucracy. Others simply won’t accept MEDICARE patients. This is where the word “available” is going to come into play. Anyone smart enough to make it through medical school will look for another line of work when the government starts telling them what care they can give and what medicines they may prescribe based on cost and the patients age. Canadians are already buying health insurance and coming to the U.S. because their socialized system is a farce. Either they can’t get the care they need or they will be dead by the time their name gets to the top of the waiting list. England is having much the same problems. Hence, Mr. Brown’s recent visit to the White House. If good doctors choose another livelihood because the reward of the medical profession isn’t worth the time and expense, we will get less capable caregivers. Those who can’t make it now or who have reputations as quacks will be all that’s left. The pharmaceutical companies will stop research on drugs they know won’t pass the governments litmus test. Given all this, I suppose a sorry doctor and inferior medication will be the best available and Mr. Obama and his crew of tax evaders will be able to keep their promise. “Where’s the good news?” you ask. The good news is most of us won’t live long under this system so the worry will be minimal and a positive by product will be less elderly folks draining the Social Security System.